I Am a Fool
by Oscar-Wilde-Inspired
Summary: "I'm dead there is no more faith". Pairing Dean/Cas. Sort of AU. Spoilers up to 7x02.


**Title:** I Am a Fool

**Fandom:** Supernatural

**Genre:** Angst, sort of AU

**Pairings:** Dean/Cas

**Rating:** G

**Summary**: "I'm dead there is no more faith"

**AN:** I no longer believe in the cannon version of this. I just can't…not anymore. This show has officially broke me. Now all that there is left is fanfics…I will still watch it though with the vague and foolish hope that Cas will one day come back. Also this is unbeta'd all mistakes are my own.

"Castiel" a voice low and warm slid through the water. "Castiel open your eyes." It had a familiar tone, a volume that once used to be so welcomed, used to be associated with home. "Come back my son."

With a gasp, that he shouldn't have needed to make, Castiel's eyes snapped open. The gritty water at the bottom of the lake stung at Castiel's eyes. The water was cold against his rotting flesh; he shouldn't be able to feel it. He shouldn't be able to feel his skin melt off and the chill penetrate down to the core of his body.

He found even though water filled his lungs Castiel could breathe in deeply, when he exhaled a thin stream of red filed back out. "Is...No…Dean?"

The lithe body floated closer, the ever present spiky brown hair loose and unkempt in the crystal water. A small smile turned up the corner of his lips; it wasn't the ever present smirk of the broken righteous man. It was soft and gentle, millions years of knowing and understanding behind it. "My essence took on the form that you are most comfortable with." The green eyes that Castiel had stared at for the last couple of years were dulled from the being resided in yet still seemed to sparkle with a possessed sense of otherworldly knowledge.

"Then why would it take the form of Dean Winchester?" Castiel questioned. He wanted to turn away from the familiar form, from his father, but he was transfixed. Transfixed like the way he had been that day all those years ago when he barreled through Hell and ripped Dean out of the fires of torture.

The small smile turned soft and the form of Dean floated closer "Because despite all that has happened you still believe in him. Even after he was unwilling to help you, you still want desperately to please him to make him happy."

"I am a fool" Castiel said sharply. He had sacrificed everything he had been for Dean, everything he had ever known for the man that simply in the end turned from him.

"No my son" the form said as he reached out and caressed Castiel's cheek "you have faith. You have scarified so much for this man, for his family. You have faith when there is no reason for any."

"I 'am dead there is no more faith" Castiel said pointing out what had adamantly been trying to avoid. He knew he was dead he knew that his body was decaying. The Leviathan had left his body; they had forced their way out gnawing and clawing apart the flesh that held them prisoner. They had left him a mass of decaying putrid skin.

"Yes you are dead…the vessel that you have been inhabiting is nothing more than dead tissue. But your grace, your faith, is still alive, the Leviathans are powerful but you are so much more than them."

"I was not powerful enough to hold them back…I was not strong enough to stave them off. All that Dean has accomplished over the years. All that Dean and Sam have fought and sacrificed for is for naught. And Dean once again hates me." The last words were spoken in soft reserve, in a tone that spoke of buried and bruised sadness.

"He is broken my child" the form said as it smiled its eyes crinkling at the corners. "He has so much put upon his shoulders. Guilt and duty and love for his family breaks the cracks that gape in his soul. Your death has pushed him over the edge…he is the old Dean. The broken hunter once again. He is so lost."

"Then why don't you fix him. Erase me from his memories. Make it so he never has to think of me again."

The figure smiled softly once again "Why would I do that child when so much loves stems from those broken shards of his soul. I look at him and I see an ocean of love that curls its way through his being. Love for his brother, for his surrogate father Bobby, love for you."

Castiel looked away "There is no love for me. I asked him to stand beside me in the war and he chose to look away to cast me as the betrayer."

"No my son you asked him to stand behind you." The being said the understanding still prevalent in the borrowed eyes "There is so much damage within that boy. He needs so much of what he will never get. I regret, now, placing such burdens on him. But he has surprised me, even in the worst of times he pulls himself up, he pushes himself forward. He reminds me so much of you child. You are both so young yet so full of knowledge and wisdom that only comes from years of loss and failures. You two, despite, all that has been forced onto you, all that you thought you must to do in order to save the innocent have so much love inside." The figure paused staring at the decayed body in front of it, looked at his broken child. "I would never erase you from his memories because you need one another. You need each other like the tide needs the moon."

"Sam has Dean" Castiel said weakly "he has no need for me."

"You are once again wrong my son. Sam is Dean's brother there is love there yes. There is boundless love that will forever be a part of the two. But Dean needs a different love, he needs someone that has seen the darkest parts of his soul, that has seen the hatred and filth that adorns the bottom of his being and still loves him. He needs someone that looks upon him and sees that despite all that he has done and all that he will do that he is still the righteous man. That his soul still burns bright and pure in the midnight darkness."

"But why me?" Castiel asked as the full weight of what he was being asked to do settled upon him. "Why not find a human women, a person that will bear him children and be what his heart desires?"

"I have seen what Dean's heart desires my child" the being said gently "I have seen the truth that lurks beneath the surface of everything that he pushes forward for the world to see. He does not need all of that to be happy. He needs someone that will stand beside him, someone that will fight with him when all is lost. Someone who will hold him upright even when blood and sin stain his body and weighs him down with impossible weight."

"What makes you think I can do this? What makes you think that I even desire that man. He cast me aside when I needed him the most…he let me go when all he had to do was…"

"Because his broken my child. He is broken and so are you. You need each other like the night and day do. You need each other like cold and warmth survive together. You two, together, create a balance; create a peace that is desperately needed within both of you. Without the other the one left will shudder and fester and explode under the weight of the tailspin it has been forced into."

"If I was to go back would I be an Angel still?" His decision made long before his father even offered the choice.

"No…your grace is just a small pinprick of what it used to be, the Leviathans ate it when they forced their way into this world. There is so little Angel left in you."

"What will I be then? My body…my vessel is destroyed."

"You will be human my son. You will stand beside Dean and Sam Winchester, you will stand beside Sam as a brother and beside Dean as his other half. You will make whole what has so long been broken."

The slick sound of flesh ripping apart met the blurred sounds of Dean Winchesters ears. A sharp yell then all was silent. Forcing his eyes open Dean looked up, in the hazy red colored vision a familiar shock of messy brown hair and eyes the color of the middy ocean blazed down at him.

"Cas?" Dean croaked out his voice rough from the demon he had been fighting slamming by the neck into the wall. Sam had gone catatonic, had seized up the moment the demons eyes had flashed black. When Dean had ran to check on Sam he had been jumped by three demons. He had made quick work of the first two but the third had proven to be quite the problem.

"Hello Dean." The familiar gravelly voice said to him, a smile turning up the ever serious lips. A strong arm gripped him tight and raised him up.

"Is…is it really you?" Dean didn't dare to hope, didn't want to think about it. He's had this same dream for countless nights when he could actually sleep. And every time he's woken up in the still dark hours of the morning and had to shove back all the guilt and anger that raged inside him. "It can't, your dead. I saw your body dissolve in the lake. You're coat…it's still in the trunk of my car." Dean added, he had kept the coat because it was a part of Cas, apart the being that had for so long been beside him. If and this being was Cas he would have the coat, he would have that piece that Dean had been harboring all these months.

"You saw the Leviathans dissolve in the water. My body was at the bottom of the lake rotting." Castiel said his grip still tight on Dean's shoulder. The same shoulder that held the handprint scar.

A flash of guilt crossed Dean's face "Have you…have you been alive the entire time…?"

Castiel cut him off saving Dean from the guilt that was eating the man up inside "No…I was dead for all intents and purposes. But I was brought back."

"You're an Angel again?" Dean asked he could feel himself moving forward closer to Castiel. All the sadness and grief that he pushed down, had forced aside, was welling back up it was seeping through the cracks of the locks he had installed to keep his emotions battered down.

Smiling softly Castiel shook his head "No Dean I am human. I retain only a small fraction of my grace just enough to keep my vessel in tact until it is the right time for me to die."

"Cas?" came a familiar voice from behind the once Angel. "Is that really you?"

Castiel turned around and faced the younger Winchester. The taller man broke out in a broad grin "It is really I."

"It's good to see you man" Sam said as he strode across the empty warehouse. His large arms engulfed Castiel in a back breaking hug. "We knew you weren't dead. Dean didn't give up on you and neither did I."

Dean watched as his younger brother, without shame or hesitation embraced the once powerful being. And for a split moment Dean felt jealously, something he had never felt towards his brother. He felt jealous that he could not do that same that he could not pull the ex-Angel into a hug without reserve.

"It is good to be back." Castiel said as Sam released him. "I am human now"

Sam could not help the flash of surprise that crossed his face "Are you alright man…do you need I mean…"

"All that I ask, all that I want is to ask for forgiveness. I am asking, if you two will allow it, for me to stand beside you. To stand beside you and fight." His eyes still intense and fierce even though he was no longer an all powerful being that the force of Heaven backing him.

"You don't need to ask me Cas" Sam said patting the now human on the shoulder "I forgave you a long time ago. I would be honored to have you beside us."

Giving the taller Winchester a smile, that still seemed awkward on the ex-Angel, Castiel turned towards the older brother. "And you Dean…do I have your forgiveness?"

"You broke Sammy's wall Cas" Dean said, the smile dropped from Castiel face. Behind him Sam's brow furrowed and he looked as if he was about to protest but Dean pushed forward cutting him off. "You really screwed him up. I can forget everything else because I understand now that sometimes bad things must be done in order to keep the good in the lead. But what you did to Sam crossed the line."

"Dean" Sam said softly.

"Go wait in the car" Dean said sternly his eyes locked on Castiel who was staring at Dean in confusion and shame. When Sam started to protest Dean gave him a stern look and repeated "Go wait in the car."

Sam gave Castiel a look who simply nodded at him. "Just remember Dean" Sam said as he made his way towards the door "all that's he done for us. Remember how many times he's died for us." Sam gave Castiel one last glance who simply nodded back at him to go forward, to leave him alone with Dean.

Whatever Dean had in stored for the ex-Angel, Castiel would take, he would allow Dean whatever revenge he needed to seek for the unspeakable acts he had let loose in Sam's head. Dean stood staring at Cas for a long time after the door slid closed and the sound of the Impala's door opening and closing echoed through the abandoned building.

"Dean" Castiel said once he could no longer stand the silence.

"Don't Cas" Dean said cutting off Castiel. "I don't want to hear your apologies." Cas cast his eyes down at the ground. "You shouldn't have to apologize to me." Castiel's eyes snapped back up in surprise, Dean kept going knowing that if he was interrupted now he'd never get this out. "I get it now…I really do. I get all that you did for Sammy, for me, for this world. I didn't understand it before but now I can look back and see that were following me. You sought the only example you had and used it."

"Dean you have always done what you thought was right…"

"It doesn't mean that is was always the right thing to do. Sammy did the same thing and I forgave him…so there is no reason to as why I should even ask for you to beg for forgiveness."

Castiel stared at Dean, at the righteous man that had jump started the apocalypse, that was wrecked in so many heartbreaking ways and he saw the love that his father had spoken of. He saw the light shining beneath all the darkness that boiled inside the damaged man. "Thank you Dean."

Dean reached forward and grabbed hold of the lapels of Cas's black dress jacket. "Don't you ever leave me again." Tugging him forward Dean pressed his lips against Cas's. It wasn't just a kiss, a connection of flesh, it was conformation of the desperate need to have someone stand beside him. The need for companionship and love after years of being told, of thinking, that he wasn't worthy of either. It was desire and want and every dark and horrible and wonderful thing that raged behind the two.


End file.
